


널 너무 모르고 (Don't Know You)

by delusionalsabaism



Category: Okja (2017)
Genre: Alf - Freeform, Angst, Crying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusionalsabaism/pseuds/delusionalsabaism
Summary: "He never considered himself particularly religious, but after this moment, he thought he could truthfully say he’d seen the face of God and lived to tell the tale."Or: the complex (and definitely not entirely healthy) relationship between Jay and K.Friendship. Pining. Whatever.It's complicated.





	널 너무 모르고 (Don't Know You)

**Author's Note:**

> me: *shows up to a long-dead fandom a year late with mango boba* what's up guys
> 
> i saw this movie in my korean class a month ago, and LOVED it. a trans-continental adventure with a giant pig that's a political satire at the same time, with gay subtext? why the hell not! (plus, i'm korean, so bonus!)
> 
> i decided to write about jay and k ending up in a fluffy relationship... but then i realized the unhealthy implications behind it. so... yeah.
> 
> enjoy!

_Now I know, even if you don’t say it - why didn’t I know such an easy thing?_

_In the time I picked out my clothes, I should’ve held you 30 more minutes._

 

Jay still remembers the first time he met K.

It was late winter, the crisp breeze drifting through the air and carrying with it the faint scent of hot chocolate. The inhumane treatment of animals at the Los Angeles Zoo had always angered him, and he finally decided, along with a couple of friends, to do something about it.

All was going well… until the police came.

They surrounded the group, flashing their shiny badges and smiling too wide to be natural as they pinned arms behind backs, kicked legs out from underneath the protestors.

As Jay was being forcibly escorted to the nearby police car, he saw another guy being pinned to the very same car, his head slammed against the metal and looking at Jay with pleading eyes. _Help me,_ he mouthed.

Jay simply stared as the friendly neighborhood policeman pulled back his fist and slammed it into the other guy’s eye, hard.

_No!_

“Stop it!” Jay cried out as he wrenched free from the police officer’s grip. As he looked into the eyes of the officer who was beating the Asian man into a pulp, his voice softened. “Please.”

The officer gave out a noncommittal grunt and shoved the Asian man towards Jay, causing the man to collapse into Jay’s arms. “Hey. Hey, listen to me. Are you all right?”

The man gave out a muffled groan. “Never been better.”

“What’s your name?” Jay asked.

He gave a lopsided smile. “Sang-yeop. Kim Sang-yeop. … Just call me Kim.”

 

_I didn’t know how big your heart was even though I knew what size you were_

_I forgot how to make you smile and I thought wrong_

 

They stood together in the cold jail cell, bodies huddled close together for warmth. Everyone else had already left since they had either been taken to another cell or they got their parents to come and pick them up.

Kim rubbed at his swollen eye, scowling at the pain. “Shouldn’t it have healed by now?” he complained. “It’s been like, a day.”

Jay consulted his broken wristwatch. “Twenty-two hours and four minutes, to be exact. Give or take a couple of seconds.”

“Don’t bullshit me,” Kim muttered, but he smiled anyway. And oh, how that smile lit up the room. It was the first time Jay had seen him smile, and for a minute, he didn’t mind the cold and the damp and the bruises as much as he had before.

Jay smiled back, and the two looked at each other for a while. Their eyes met, and while the fog from their breath obscured part of their faces, it seemed that they could see each other just fine.

The door swung open, and the two looked away at the same time. Another police officer, a different one than before, stood there with his parents. _Oh, no._

“Jay? Jay Wright?” the woman asked. Her expression was a perfect picture of boredom. “Your parents are here.”

 

_If only you got mad at me, if only you told me without keeping it inside_

_You wouldn’t have been so cold - but I only realize this after it’s over_

 

His mother walked in, nose wrinkling at the filth around her. Her skin was still tanned from the vacation they had just been rushed out of. “Jay, darling, what are you doing here?” She gripped his arm with her long fingernails, the sharp keratin leaving behind crescent-moon indentations.

“I am so sorry, I just don’t know what’s gotten into him lately,” she told the officer, smiling stiffly. _Like the police officer from earlier. Just look at how similar they are._ “He’s going to Harvard next year, and he’s been getting straight A’s in school and everything… It’s because of those… that _riffraff_ he’s been hanging out with recently. So-called animal ‘activists,’ when they’re nothing but a group of common street thugs.”

“Sure, ma’am. Now, if you’d just fill out the paperwork here, Jay’s going to be ready to go.” The policewoman started to walk away, and Jay’s mother practically dragged him behind, her grip getting tighter and tighter.

“Wait.” Jay wrenched free from her grasp, looking back with concern. “What about Kim?”

“Oh, please,” his mother hissed back quietly, looking forward and making sure that the police couldn’t hear her. “He would have ended up here sooner or later anyway.”

“One second.” Jay wrenched his arm out of her grasp, running back to the cell. “Kim! Wait!”

Kim turned around. “What is it?”

“A pen. Do you have a pen?”

“Yeah… why?”

Jay grabbed the pen Kim handed him, yanking off the cap through the bars. He scrawled his name across Kim’s arm with a messy flourish, looking pleased with his work. He finished just in time as his mother came, a thunderous expression on her face.

“Text me!” he called as he walked away. “I can’t wait to see you again!”

Kim was left in the cell with a slight smile on his face, clutching his right arm to his heart as if he could keep Jay in there forever.

 

_I wanna be a good girl - I didn’t wanna only receive_

_I wanted to give too, cuz I’m making money now too_

 

One spring night, Jay ran away from Harvard.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, really. He would rather dedicate his energy to helping animals than to strive for a pointless grade, he was just tired all the time, and for what? A business degree?

So he called Kim and asked him to pick him up. Kim was always there beside him, supporting him and cheering him on in everything he did even though the two went to different colleges, even making his alias ‘K’ to match Jay’s.

He packed the couple things that he genuinely wanted to keep (a photograph of him at a protest - the LA one, not-so-coincidentally - his toiletries, multiple articles of clothing, a couple books, and his parents’ credit card) and stood in the doorway, looking over his room for the last time.

A thrill of both excitement and fear struck him. _I don’t know where I’m going to go, or what I’m going to do, but wherever it is, I’m ready._

Kim was waiting outside, a cigarette tucked between his lips. Jay wrinkled his nose. “That’s disgusting.”

Kim offered him the cigarette, smirking. Jay took it and used it to scrape a pebble out of the bottom of his shoe, all the while not breaking eye contact. He wordlessly handed the cigarette back to Kim.

For some reason, the two broke out into laughter. Kim started it, which only caused Jay to go off. Even after Kim stopped, Jay still kept on going, leaning on Kim’s shoulder with one hand to prevent himself from doubling over.

“All right, let’s go.”

“Can we stop at an ATM on the way?” Jay asked. His smile gleamed in the moonlight. “I’m going to make a pretty large transaction.”

 

_I didn’t know you, I didn’t know your heart_

_I didn’t even know you were getting farther away_

_I really didn’t know and I was just picking out your gifts_

_But that wasn’t what you wanted_

 

“Bright red, five feet, biodegradable… obviously.”

K stared down at the soft red scarf looped carefully around his neck, the fabric plush underneath his fingers. “You didn’t have to do this.”

Jay frowned, knitting his brows together. “Why? Do you not like the color? I could always replace it-”

“Jay, this is way too expensive. There’s no way I can pay you back!”

“Then consider it a gift,” Jay said softly. “Wait- the fringes are tangled in your zipper.” He stepped forward, so close that K could smell the apples on his breath and his bright hazel eyes.

And all of a sudden, K’s heart stopped beating. He stood there, posture rigid and eyes closed, unable to move for fear that Jay would move away.

He never considered himself particularly religious, but after this moment, he thought he could truthfully say he’d seen the face of God and lived to tell the tale.

“There,” Jay said in satisfaction, stepping back to admire his handiwork. “It looks good on you.”

“Does it, really?” K teased, hoping that the jokes would help drive away his nervousness.

Jay looked up and held his stare for one second, two seconds, until K thought he might burst. He looked away. “Everything looks good on you, K.”

_Be still, my heart._

 

_Your heart that looked at me was too slow - although this may sound like an excuse,_

_Even when I didn’t pick up your calls, I was changing for you_

 

K didn’t know what he was thinking when he lied to Jay.

He just wanted Jay to be happy, he wanted the sleepless nights and restless stakeouts and cold jail cells to actually _mean_ something for once.

However, that didn’t change what he did - how he possibly doomed this innocent, beautiful creature to death, to a cold slaughterhouse and razor blades.

How he lied to a child, to the other ALF members, to _Jay_. Jay, who valued honesty and loyalty above all else, who treasured his friends more than gold.

So when Jay looked at him, eyes shining with pride, he only saw the stubborn expression on Mija’s face.

_I want to go back to the mountains. With Okja._

The cold water felt good on his burning hot skin, washing away his sins. _Jay, forgive me._

 

_What am I to do if you only give and then just leave?_

_There are probably no traces of me that remains with you_

_So what will you take to remember me? To reminisce about me?_

 

In a way, K welcomed the pain.

He curled up against the wall, thin frame shaking every time the hard toe of Jay’s boot hit him square in the torso. To his utter mortification, he could feel a sharp stinging in his eyes.

 _Don’t cry,_ _don’t_ _cry_ **** _,_ _damn it-_

With every blow, it reminded him of the wrongs he had committed. The purple bruises blooming across his ribs and stomach hurt like thorns when he remembered who made them.

_The only flowers Jay would ever give you._

“Translations are sacred.”

Did Jay not believe that he lied to him on purpose? Was he still holding out hope that K would return?

No. Of course not. If Jay ever felt similarly towards K, he would have reciprocated his feelings long ago.

K staggered to his feet, hands a particularly large bruise on his side as if, by doing so, he could hold in all the love and grief he had for Jay right now.

His tears could overflow the sea if he would just allow himself to cry.

 

_I wish you would turn back when I call out to you_

_So I can repay you for all that you gave to me_

_So I could give you happiness_

 

K was standing in the middle of the hotel room that was formerly his when Jay swung open the white door, so quietly that if the two didn’t know each other for so long, K would have assumed it was merely a gust of wind.

“What the fuck do you want?” K asked without turning around. There was more bark than bite in those words.

“Why? Why did you do it?” Jay asked immediately, hurt pouring into his words. “You could have been a great member, K. You’re great at hacking and you’re amazing at thinking on your feet. So why did you decide to turn around and stab us in the back?”

K didn’t respond, and Jay pressed further. “No, turn around. _Look_ at me, K.” He grabbed K by the shoulder, preparing to whirl him around.

“Mija’s a _child_ , K, and Okja is an amazing, intelligent animal. But without any sort of regard for humanity, you decided to throw them both into the fire without consent. How could you do this? Why would you-”

“It’s because I love you!”

 

_I didn’t know you, I didn’t know your heart_

_I didn’t even know you were getting farther away_

_I really didn’t know and I was just picking out your gifts_

_But that wasn’t what you wanted_

 

K whirled around, bright tears forming in his dark eyes. There was no accusation, no anger on his face, only heartbreak.

Jay froze, the barest hint of a question on his lips. K took this as an opportunity to continue and plunged in further. “I love- _loved_ you, okay? And I just wanted you to be happy with me, and I don’t know what I was thinking. I was an idiot who doesn’t deserve anything you give me, and I know I fucked up so, _so_ much-”

“Get out.”

K hesitated, looking back at Jay. Jay avoided his gaze, hands clenched into fists. “Get out!” he yelled, tall frame quivering. It was the first time that K had seen Jay so helpless.

“Out!” Jay yelled, practically hysterical. The anger in his eyes showed the scared child within, the boy who was taught to stand in rigid lines and starved of the love he craved. K could see the pain behind it, and for a minute, he was tempted to come back and wrap his arms around Jay’s shaking body until they would both be alright.

_Even when you lay all your cards out on the table, you still like to act as if you have an ace up your sleeve._

Red ran in, her dark burgundy locks flying around her face. “What? What is it?!” Her sharp eyes scanned the room in search of the source, her gaze ping-ponging from K to Jay, his face set in stone.

K fled the room, grabbing his backpack on the way. He could barely see through the watery haze in his eyes. His fingers clawed into the carpeted floor, and his breaths hitched quietly as he plopped down in the hallway.

He hated that he felt weak when he was crying, hated how Jay could probably still hear him from a couple rooms down, hated that he cared too much even after Jay told him to leave.

Faintly, he could hear the sounds of Red yelling and Jay’s voice raised at a pitch too loud to be normal. “Yeah, he fucked up, we all do, but Jay-”

“It’s none of your business what I do or not, Red!” came Jay’s voice, and the sounds of a door slamming against the wall.

Jay stormed past him, a thundercloud around his head and fire in his eyes. K pressed back against the wall, shrinking away from the other man.

Jay didn’t look back.

 

_I can’t live without your love, love_

_I can’t live without your love_

 

The dull whir of the needle soothed him like white noise in the background, whirring across his skin. K didn’t notice the black letters in cursive, slowly taking shape upon his skin. All he could feel was a faint numbness that had nothing to do with the cream from earlier.

No, it was a numbness that grew in his heart, one that spread from his heart to his head to his toes.

_Translations are sacred._

 

_I didn’t know you, I didn’t know your heart_

_I didn’t even know you were getting farther away_

_I really didn’t know and I was just picking out your gifts_

_But that wasn’t what you wanted_

 

“K.”

K waited for the light to turn red before he turned to his left. Jay was stirring awake, a dark crimson stain on the collar of his wrinkled white shirt. K suppressed the urge to wipe it away. “What?”

“... Thank you. For helping me,” Jay said softly, with those kind eyes, and K couldn’t bear it, couldn’t bear it, _couldn’t bear it-_

A car honked behind him, and he turned back to the front. The sting in his eyes faded.

“I didn’t do it for you.”

 

_Epilogue_

 

 

They were trying.

They were trying, and although their friendship might never be fully fixed, it couldn’t hurt to try, right?

Kim cooked and cleaned. Jay planned out the missions and contacted the other ALF members. Mija sent them postcards from the mountain, and once, she even came to the US to see them.

It was almost domestic, in a way.

One night, Kim was busy wiping down the counters when a hand tapped him on the shoulder. He didn’t flinch, too used to Jay’s silent coming and goings by now. “What do you want?” There was no bite in those words for once, and he was proud of that. The practice _had_ paid off.

“I just realized,” Jay said quietly. “I never apologized to you, did I?”

A lump formed in K’s throat, and he shoved it back down. He shook his head and turned back around to face Jay. “Not that I recall.”

“Jesus,” Jay sighed, dragging a hand across his face. He looked tired. Messy. For one quick moment, you could almost see the weight of the world upon his shoulders. “I’m sorry, K.”

K swallowed back what he was about to say.

 _You’re apologizing_ _now_ _?_

_We both fucked up._

_I forgive you._

“Hey,” K spoke up. “... Why don’t I buy us some ramen, maybe get some chips while I’m at it, and then we can just talk about it in the living room. You know, like the old days?”

Jay didn’t answer, but he nodded and walked away, towards the living room.

It was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> please kudos, COMMENT, and/or follow! love you guys~
> 
> song is by heize, a korean r&b artist! check her out! link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvkWaI91mLM


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